do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
