Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize