We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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