omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
