the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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