Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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