Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
