either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
birth control should be required to get into college
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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