Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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