I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
