period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
