even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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