got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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