i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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