Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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