i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
