I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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