Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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