Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
