My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
