At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I think pants incapable of making pants work
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize