I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
