That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
