so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize