remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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