She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
