omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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