Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Dear god my vagina.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
