We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
