Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
