We won't sleep together?
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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