I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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