Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize