your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
