woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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