it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
