Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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