Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
