ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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