I just pynch a tree in the face
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
she pinky promised me she was 18
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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