on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
