I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
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