4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
God I need to hump something, right now.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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