do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
