i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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