Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
