Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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