1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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