i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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