I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
