I'll bet she douches with gravy.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
