Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
