She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
