What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
