If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
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