I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
