Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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