i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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