That's when you crack a 10am beer
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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