I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
