Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
