Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
