there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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