??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
