i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
