in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize