New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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